Holy shit I am jazzing off of this productivity buzz! I just signed up for a credit card on my tablet in a toilet stall and man do I feel financially secure. You might be wondering how a slob like me managed to turn around my hopeless life. Or maybe you’re just wondering why corn always has to come in those pesky husks (more on that later).
But seriously though, everyone has responsibility, and everyone has that 2 ‘o’ clock feeling that makes them drag through the day. Well with just a few easy adjustments to your habits, even you (a person who is reading the blog written by a guy who doesn’t know how to balance a checkbook) can lead a fulfilled and productive life!
Step 1: Alternate between long sleep and short sleep. Last night I slept for 3 hours, making sure to stay up late and keep my mind filled with social regrets – “why did I try to tell a joke that involves a Mexican accent only to drop it midsentence?”
Four nights ago I slept for 14 hours, making sure to both fall asleep and wake up with the sun glowing through my window.
Recent studies have proven that your body hates consistency, this is especially true for sleep so make sure to never fall asleep or wake up at the same time twice in a row.
Note: If your job requires you to be awake at the same time multiple days in a row then quit that shit. It’s probably just a lame desk job. Instead, invest yourself in a career with highly variable hours, like being an on call EMT or earn money from home through internet magic.
Bonus: In addition to trying to sleep different hours every night, also try to sleep in different places. I have recently grown attached to a shipping container in the bushes beside my local Target, but instead of boring myself and my body with consistency, I have cut all ties with it.
This all works out for the better for you exterior sleepers however, as the local authorities will show up if a place is inhabited for too long.
Step 2: Water is good, caffeine is better. Water has been the essence of all life for billions of years, but recently science has taken water and, quite simply, made it better. Right now I’m drinking a rich delicious Vitamin Water©, damn are these healthy infusions delicious, but sometimes, even the full bodied contents of a Dragonfruit Glaceau Vitamin Water© aren’t enough to keep my mojo rising, so what do I do?
I get creative. I twist off the cap off a 5-hour energy, plop it down into that sweet nectar, and chug it like a freshman fraternity pledge. The chugging forces the caffeine right to your heart, which, you guessed it, hates consistency! I make sure to keep my heart at variable heart rates by alternating fast rapid breathing and no breathing at all.
In addition to keeping that blood pumping and throbbing, caffeine also increases concentration and even has the potential to make you forget what time it is, which leads me to my next step.
Step 3: Exit the realm of time. Time is so incessantly consistent it makes your body want to puncture its own appendix, allowing that suicidal organ to fulfill its birthright. So how do you fight Father Time? You definitely can’t fight him the same way I fought my own father (Father time doesn’t care if you show up to the family reunion with a lip ring and a CCCP shirt.) Instead, fight the passage of time the same way I fought girlfriends in high school, lie to yourself and then ignore them!
Time doesn’t exist if you ignore it! Life just goes on and man does your body dig it.
Note: Ignoring time through marijuana or sedatives is weak tit. Think of the theory of relativity. Instead of having your thoughts slow down until time is too fast and you forget about it, make your thoughts fly on a hair trigger to the point where their speed makes time seem like a trainee in the checkout aisle.
Step 4: Optimize your vitamin intake. With the amount of stress and stimulation that your body receives in this digital age, you have to make sure that your vitamins are working for you at optimum efficiency.
Side Note: I’m running with the assumption that you are reading this article already armed with the knowledge that you must wake up every morning and slip at least your five blatantly necessary vitamin pills down the chute (Fish Oil, Flax Oil, Super B-Complex, Garlique and centrum silver men 50+). If you don’t know about this, I have no idea how your vitaminless husk manages to wrench itself out of bed every morning.
My vitamins were boosting my productivity by 250% right off the bat. Combined with all of my other crucial steps, these vitamins were powering my creative potential like a French hooker muse lounging naked in a 1920 American’s salon. But then, much like with the sex between that American novelist and the prostitute, the thrill of my vitamins started to wane. Fear not reader, I have the means to pump up these vitamins into a premium rush.
Here’s my usual morning. I wake up, snort a few lines of crushed St. John’s Wort cut with Ginkgo Bilbao, pop two super B-complexes, and wash it all down with a Sobe Life Water© with a few PowerBar Energy Blast Chews© dissolved in it. Oh man, that gets my crank running.
So how do I calm down so I can chill out with my pals? Well, I just take a couple melatonins, mix them up with flax oil, roll them up in some paper, and smoke it down smooth.
My hands are shakin’ a bit, but that’s just all of my excess energy blowing off steam. Oh man I’m so full of energy, my whole bodies got the shakes! You too can feel this energy coursing through your veins, just remember, an inconsistent heart is only just the start! Keep optimizing!